Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Laughing to Keep From Crying Today

Slightly dramatic sentiment, but partially true.
I'm not sure why my coworker feels that she's the only one cold in our room, but she's turned the rotation feature off on our space heater TWICE. I want to curse her out, but I'm just pretending like she's not here. I don't know if she's being petty for the dumb questions she was asking yesterday that I wouldn't let her be dumb on, but whatever. Maybe she thinks the creaking noise is annoying, but I think her voice and off-key humming is annoying, so...
As I'm looking for other jobs, I realize the jobs I want come with a $10,000 decrease in pay, which I can't afford, so I'm pretty much screwed for a little while. I had a dream the other day that was disturbing to say the least. My scalp was peeling off, and I was acting like it was natural. I walked leisurely to the bathroom to clip off the rest because I didn't want to bleed. Naturally, when I woke up, my thought was, "What the heck was that?"
I'm big on dream interpretations, so I eventually went to see if "scalp" was somewhere on DreamMoods.com. There was:
  • To see your scalp in your dream indicates that there is something that you need to get out of your head.
  •  To dream that you or someone has been scalped suggests that your vitality and energy is being drained away by some situation or someone else

Well, aren't both of those true.

So I've listened to Nikki Glaser's album Perfect, which from minute 1 I was laughing. I almost didn't stop. Now, I'm listening to Deon Cole's Cole Blooded Seminar. Hi-larious. I used to laugh a lot more than I do now, and I miss it. I'm glad I downloaded Howl.fm so I can return comedy to my life on a regular basis. It will certainly help me feel better more often.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Job Prospects

About 18 months ago, I decided to leave a job in a place I loved. The part of me not worried about my bills regrets it daily.

I was a casual seasonal administrative specialist. The other admins were full-time, but my department was low maintenance and didn't need a full-time admin. This was fine for me. I knew if I stayed long enough, there would be a chance for advancement. I even knew in which department I wanted to be in, so while I wasn't wishing for the admin currently there to leave, I knew I wanted her job.

Then, she got another job. I told my manager that I wanted the position. She was all for it. The other manager, however, decided they weren't going to reopen the position and were making it an administrator position instead...but they would still need my help. So, I patiently helped both departments and looked for another part-time job, but I was about to lose one of my roommates, so sadly, I needed to pursue a full-time job.

So, here I am, fairly unhappy, but my bills are getting paid, at least. I tend to know after a couple of months whether I want to stay somewhere, and I don't. I'd love to move into the marketing department, which judging by their daily newsletters, they need a proofreader, but nothing's open there. At my old job, they've finally posted that administrator position. I'm hoping beyond hope that another admin position pops up there, so I can go back (I know at least one of those ladies was supposed to retire while I was there!). I'm also looking at jobs that focus more on writing and editing, but many in the area require years of experience, and I've spent my years not realizing I could have been doing a writing job all this time.

All in all, I will keep working and searching. I want to look forward to going to work every day again.

Friday, January 13, 2017

How to keep smiling in this world.

This is going to be a long sentence.

So, yesterday, one of my oldest friends, the one I've known since the 4th grade, who I visit whenever she's in town because we're quite literally the only ones we still talk to from high school,even get messages from her mother every now and then, and who is also white, Jewish, and a Native American, shared this post from a young right-wing guy saying the things right-wing people say. You know, how the leftist media calls everything they don't want to hear hate speech, and that Obama is an elitist liar who hangs out with celebrities and did nothing for this country, etc. etc. etc.

I'm at a loss for words, 1) because she actually likes this person's page and 2) because she thinks he had great points in the video he posted. The points, also, being how this latest scandal was brought to the surface at the 11th hour in an attempt to derail the inauguration (though, hm, that's funny, because I remember an article about e-mails coming up at the 11th hour before the election, and they weren't even hers, but the word "e-mails" was there, so...).

I'm digressing because I don't see how people are falling for this man who is about to be our president, saying everything negative about others when he's really talking about himself. At this point, I feel like they are just ignoring it all because they didn't want a black president, and they definitely didn't want a woman president who worked with the black one.

But no one's going to say that.

But back to my point, my friend. Like, I just want to say, "Do you really believe that?" She's always been an interesting person and someone I believe would always think clearly and see through the mess, but now I'm so confused. I mean, I have other friends, but we're talking over 20 years of friendship now.

I'm not throwing that away, so I do need to know how to keep smiling in this world in which people are more polarized than ever, where there are people that no matter what I do, I'm nothing to them, not even a person, where friends are supporting parties and people that feel the same way. If you agree with them, what do you really think about me?

People are about to lose healthcare. Countries are creating laws to ban Muslim women from wearing their religiously regulated clothing. People are being told to leave "our country" if they don't like what's happening like it only belongs to the people who are happy with the horrible choices being made. Every single day I look at the people around me and wonder how they voted and why, if they chose to ignore all the negative and the evidence-based scandal in exchange for a way to take back the government (as though that is really about to happen).

I'm constantly thinking about these things, so I'm smiling a lot less now.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Starting this because I'm single. That's sad.

It's been years since I last owned a diary. And when I say years, I mean close to two decades now. I can't believe I'm 32 years old, first of all. I remember a day when I thought, "I can't wait to be 16." Bought that t-shirt. Burned it.

We're currently 8 days away from a megalomaniac being sworn into office to run our country, and what's currently on my mind is that I'm 32 years old and single. First world problems.

But sitting in a room with my sister as her boyfriend lovingly tries to massage the pain from her neck makes you realize how often you're the third wheel, even in your own house. I've got to get out. I can't even say "get out more". I don't go out period.

Part of me is cool with that. About 95% of me is cool with that...85%. I don't like people. I don't like the awkwardness of guys looking at you (the majority of which you're not necessarily attracted to in the first place) or small-talking to you. I hate small talk. I hate being stared at. But that 15%, man.

15% of me realizes a lot of the women in my family are single and weird and should have a million cats between them, and I'm always going to be weird, but I don't necessarily want to be single. I also know a lot them were with/are with men that are not good for them, so I also don't want to settle for just any Bojack that comes along.

But 100% of me is a Rom Com romantic. Je suis Amélie. I'm constantly thinking in the back of my head, "Is this the guy? Are we going to make a connection right now?" while the front of my head is saying, "Whoa, calm down. It's the pizza guy. He's probably 18."

I do feel like The Guy is going to emerge from a random connection, though. How else would it happen? And yet, I won't know until I put myself out in the open, to be seen and spoken to. That's usually how it works.

I just need to take a deep breath, brace myself, and make that first step.

Wish me luck.