Thursday, June 22, 2017

Mr. Brightside

Okay, so I have come to realize I'm not the only person who has up and down days at work. I do feel like you should absolutely love what you do, and I want to, but while I'm where I am, I am going to do my best to make the best out of the situations. There are days where I'm going to lament, and I'll probably never like waking up at 6:30 in the morning (I'm not a morning person, so though I have to work at 8, I need that time). But I feel good walking around and asking people how they are on my way to wherever I'm going at any given point in the day. I like knowing that I am relied on to do things or that I make others feel good.

So in conclusion, lol, I used to be a whatever happens happens, go with the flow kind of person. I intend to be that person again. Do my job, keep it moving, and if something else comes along, then, we'll see what happens then.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Enjoying My Queer Social Media Experience

Something I mentioned on my demi tumblr a little while ago:

I was definitely demisexual in my teen years and didn't know it. I even came across a Timehop post I did two years ago trying to figure out why I did things so differently. I don't remember what it was about, but I'm sure my newfound identity might have played a part in that. Now that I've found AVEN and a whole community on tumblr, I feel better. It's a good feeling, and I hope others can feel that about their orientations.
Happy Pride Month!

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Good Work Evaluation

I had my evaluation with my manager yesterday. She said I was doing a great job, which actually made me feel a little better about being here. I did come just before they had some major changes, hospital and department wide, so I felt like I was drowning for a reason. There are some things I can improve on, so while I'm here, I'm going to do my best to be patient and learn what I can. That's not to say I won't keep checking job boards every now and then, but I will at least keep a positive attitude about where I am now.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

This Can't Be Life

I was going to apply for this internal position in another department. When I tried the first time, it asked if I had been in my current position for at least 12 Months after my Initial Orientation Period. I thought that meant my Orientation. Turns out it means the 90 day period after I was hired. So I would have to wait another 3 months before I could apply to that position. Do you really think there's a chance it would still be there in 3 months? Or that I will be?

I hate this place. But I will keep my head up.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Yeah, I Need to Get Out of Here

I thought that maybe I just needed to actively settle into my job, but despite the good days, there are moments when I'm legitimately ready to walk out and not return. I don't like the number of people I have to constantly deal with. I don't like my director or the way he decides to phrase things when he talks to me. My Timehop shows me counting down to my leaving my last job (my last day was a year ago tomorrow), and now I'm regretting leaving it, even though I desperately needed a full time job. I keep thinking, "Well, what if I had looked harder for another part time?" Did I do all I needed to? I hate second guessing myself. In 5 days, I can apply to another department. Just 5. They'll go by quickly (hopefully not the weekend portion).

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Back to the old Grind

Aside from a cold I had, I thoroughly enjoyed my vacation. Didn't do any excursions or cruise activities, just took time to rest. My friends and I did go to the beach in Nassau, but the waves were obnoxious.

This week, I got back to the grind at work, spent a couple of days hating it. Then, I went to my church's revival, and the sermons were basically about your attitude when going through trials. I'll just do my best to be patient.

I registered at Ace-Book, a Facebook for Asexuals and A-Specs. I'll see where that leads.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Counting Down My Vacation Days

This time next week, I will be in the Bahamas, soaking up the sun with my friends. I will not think about this job for one iota of a second.

An administrative assistant job opened up in the IT department, but I can't apply to internal jobs until I've been here a year. That's about 35 days away. Loopholes. I also want to see if they would give me above the Midpoint, because I already make that. I miss working at DTI. I wish I were still there.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

I Closed my Meetup Group & My Outlook

Or, at least, I cancelled my organizer subscription. I had the three people join, but there was no contact from them, even when I sent out e-mails. So, it's whatever. I'm going to just keep going out little by little, keep in touch with people on AVEN (Asexuality Visibility & Education Network), and see what happens. I do still have a Spades & Arrows account, but that's bleh.

Two weeks ago, Grey's Anatomy had the BLEAKEST episode in the history of Grey's episodes, and that's saying a lot. It made me so depressed. It was the old couple. There were these two old surgeons, and the wife was having this surgery that might give her a little more time with her husband (I can't remember what the surgery was for; I just remember she was choosing between no surgery/dying and surgery/dying a little later). More time turned out to be 8 hours or so. She wanted to give her husband time to learn to do things for himself, and that was how his last scene ended. Owen was going to call him a cab, but he said, "No, I have to learn to do things on my own now," and we watch him shuffle sadly out of the hospital to the corner to catch a cab.

That scene right there made me think: well, what is the point of love?! And it's a fictional tv show! It just hurt my feelings so much. I can't imagine growing old with someone and then dealing with them dying before me, but I see it around me all the time. The widows/widowers keep living, but you know it's hard to. That is life, though.

I just don't like the odds.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

MeetUp Not Working

Well, I thought creating a MeetUp for demisexuals was a good idea, but one thing about Delawareans is their affinity for showing interest in something and then not actually acting on it. I still have 3 members, but no one RSVP'd to the last MeetUp I setup. I might try one more event, and then shut it down. It's money I could be using on something else right now.

Maybe they're all introverts and would rather not look at each other, ha. That possibility is huge. I did turn them to the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network, which is a bigger forum for aces and other a-spectrumites, so if I shut down unexpectedly, I won't feel badly about it. As a matter of fact, let me go visit there now.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Self-Evaluations and the Weekend

So today, I had to do a self-evaluation of my work performance. =\ I'd say I've never heard of such, but my mom's worked here since I was a child, and I've heard her complain about it. It's the dumbest thing you could make an employee do. One of the questions was do I see myself staying in this career in the next 1-3 years. I said no. Hopefully they keep me until I find another job.

My friend is opening for Marvin Sapp at the 76ers' Gospel Night this Friday. I'll be reading during the game. I'd love to just go to Paolo's, get a slice of pizza that won't cost me a foot, and go to the concert, but it's all or nothing.

While my younger sister and I are there being supportive and patient, my older sister is hosting her pre-wedding festivities (I'd very much like to catch her at the hookah bar, but Payday is next week), and Saturday is the Big Day! I'll get excited maybe as we're sitting there.

Friday, March 10, 2017

To Meet or Not To Meet??

Tomorrow is supposed to be the official first meeting for my Demis & Aces group. I don't know if anyone's going; they haven't RSVP'd so far, and the deadline is tonight. It's snowing here, so if it sticks, I don't want the person from Wilmington coming down here. People are notorious for getting in accidents in the snow here.

I'm also nervous about meeting new people. I joined the Asexuality Visibility & Education Network, an online community. The people are really nice there, but I just have to close my laptop, and they're gone. I can't do that with people face-to-face (only an impulsive introvert like me would start a group and then be chicken about it). So hopefully, all goes well. *shrug*

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Applying for Jobs

In other news, I am starting to apply to jobs that are more focused on writing.

I'm tired of being a professional secretary. Most of the time, I'm the middle man, and I'm the type of person who typically says, "Why don't you ask THEM," and unfortunately, it's my job to be the middle man.

Every day I wake up and realize I'm still an administrative assistant, I cringe and want to get back in bed, or run away and just write. I'm tired of taking messages, of sending out e-mails about when people want to meet, keeping a bunch of stuff that doesn't interest me in my headspace that's already pretty crowded.

So I'm praying that I'll see more jobs where writing is needed, so I can put myself out there.

Again, wish me luck!

I Made A Meetup

I decided to start a group on Meetup, as I didn't see any specifically for demisexuals or asexuals in my area. At first, I didn't know if anyone would join, but I wanted to be proactive with this and find others like me out here.We live in a world where "sex sells," and if we don't buy it there's no alternative, so it's difficult to brush off sometimes. These issues aren't something anyone else I know would understand. It seems small, but when you see it over and over again, and people ask you when you're going to find someone or why you're single, etc., etc. all the time, it can get frustrating.

So I created Demis & Aces of Delaware. The same day that the Meetup admins approved the group and broadcasted it, I had a request for someone to join! I was so thrilled. Sunday, I received another request! I hope there will be more to come. I think this will be good for me and for the others.

Wish me luck. <3

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Monday, February 20, 2017

Things I Need To Do

I need a new job. I'm applying for non-administrative assistant jobs because I'm tired of being someone's secretary. I've done it for long enough. I wish more jobs in the state catered to other fields, but we're small.

I need to figure out if I'm going to oversee our church's website team. People don't often listen to me, and I get frustrated easily, so I really need to take some time to think of it.

I need to not be on Twitter as much so I can focus on reading and writing. I've lost myself a little in a lot of things, and I want to go back to a simpler time in social media. So I will.

I need to get out more but to places fit for me. Part of me knows it's considered weird to like being in the house all day. Another part doesn't care but I also know if I want to build a social life and meet a guy, the only ones I'll meet at my house deliver mail or food, so...I need to go to the mountain. I might go to a writer's workshop in Philly in April. Definitely going to some cons. I've started doing 5k's, so I'm at least among the population.

I need to get back into shape, which is hard in my 30s because I don't necessarily care but at the same time do, so there's that. My joints are starting to ache, too, so I might want to work on talking care of myself.

And now, I need to go to sleep.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Laughing to Keep From Crying Today

Slightly dramatic sentiment, but partially true.
I'm not sure why my coworker feels that she's the only one cold in our room, but she's turned the rotation feature off on our space heater TWICE. I want to curse her out, but I'm just pretending like she's not here. I don't know if she's being petty for the dumb questions she was asking yesterday that I wouldn't let her be dumb on, but whatever. Maybe she thinks the creaking noise is annoying, but I think her voice and off-key humming is annoying, so...
As I'm looking for other jobs, I realize the jobs I want come with a $10,000 decrease in pay, which I can't afford, so I'm pretty much screwed for a little while. I had a dream the other day that was disturbing to say the least. My scalp was peeling off, and I was acting like it was natural. I walked leisurely to the bathroom to clip off the rest because I didn't want to bleed. Naturally, when I woke up, my thought was, "What the heck was that?"
I'm big on dream interpretations, so I eventually went to see if "scalp" was somewhere on There was:
  • To see your scalp in your dream indicates that there is something that you need to get out of your head.
  •  To dream that you or someone has been scalped suggests that your vitality and energy is being drained away by some situation or someone else

Well, aren't both of those true.

So I've listened to Nikki Glaser's album Perfect, which from minute 1 I was laughing. I almost didn't stop. Now, I'm listening to Deon Cole's Cole Blooded Seminar. Hi-larious. I used to laugh a lot more than I do now, and I miss it. I'm glad I downloaded so I can return comedy to my life on a regular basis. It will certainly help me feel better more often.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Job Prospects

About 18 months ago, I decided to leave a job in a place I loved. The part of me not worried about my bills regrets it daily.

I was a casual seasonal administrative specialist. The other admins were full-time, but my department was low maintenance and didn't need a full-time admin. This was fine for me. I knew if I stayed long enough, there would be a chance for advancement. I even knew in which department I wanted to be in, so while I wasn't wishing for the admin currently there to leave, I knew I wanted her job.

Then, she got another job. I told my manager that I wanted the position. She was all for it. The other manager, however, decided they weren't going to reopen the position and were making it an administrator position instead...but they would still need my help. So, I patiently helped both departments and looked for another part-time job, but I was about to lose one of my roommates, so sadly, I needed to pursue a full-time job.

So, here I am, fairly unhappy, but my bills are getting paid, at least. I tend to know after a couple of months whether I want to stay somewhere, and I don't. I'd love to move into the marketing department, which judging by their daily newsletters, they need a proofreader, but nothing's open there. At my old job, they've finally posted that administrator position. I'm hoping beyond hope that another admin position pops up there, so I can go back (I know at least one of those ladies was supposed to retire while I was there!). I'm also looking at jobs that focus more on writing and editing, but many in the area require years of experience, and I've spent my years not realizing I could have been doing a writing job all this time.

All in all, I will keep working and searching. I want to look forward to going to work every day again.

Friday, January 13, 2017

How to keep smiling in this world.

This is going to be a long sentence.

So, yesterday, one of my oldest friends, the one I've known since the 4th grade, who I visit whenever she's in town because we're quite literally the only ones we still talk to from high school,even get messages from her mother every now and then, and who is also white, Jewish, and a Native American, shared this post from a young right-wing guy saying the things right-wing people say. You know, how the leftist media calls everything they don't want to hear hate speech, and that Obama is an elitist liar who hangs out with celebrities and did nothing for this country, etc. etc. etc.

I'm at a loss for words, 1) because she actually likes this person's page and 2) because she thinks he had great points in the video he posted. The points, also, being how this latest scandal was brought to the surface at the 11th hour in an attempt to derail the inauguration (though, hm, that's funny, because I remember an article about e-mails coming up at the 11th hour before the election, and they weren't even hers, but the word "e-mails" was there, so...).

I'm digressing because I don't see how people are falling for this man who is about to be our president, saying everything negative about others when he's really talking about himself. At this point, I feel like they are just ignoring it all because they didn't want a black president, and they definitely didn't want a woman president who worked with the black one.

But no one's going to say that.

But back to my point, my friend. Like, I just want to say, "Do you really believe that?" She's always been an interesting person and someone I believe would always think clearly and see through the mess, but now I'm so confused. I mean, I have other friends, but we're talking over 20 years of friendship now.

I'm not throwing that away, so I do need to know how to keep smiling in this world in which people are more polarized than ever, where there are people that no matter what I do, I'm nothing to them, not even a person, where friends are supporting parties and people that feel the same way. If you agree with them, what do you really think about me?

People are about to lose healthcare. Countries are creating laws to ban Muslim women from wearing their religiously regulated clothing. People are being told to leave "our country" if they don't like what's happening like it only belongs to the people who are happy with the horrible choices being made. Every single day I look at the people around me and wonder how they voted and why, if they chose to ignore all the negative and the evidence-based scandal in exchange for a way to take back the government (as though that is really about to happen).

I'm constantly thinking about these things, so I'm smiling a lot less now.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Starting this because I'm single. That's sad.

It's been years since I last owned a diary. And when I say years, I mean close to two decades now. I can't believe I'm 32 years old, first of all. I remember a day when I thought, "I can't wait to be 16." Bought that t-shirt. Burned it.

We're currently 8 days away from a megalomaniac being sworn into office to run our country, and what's currently on my mind is that I'm 32 years old and single. First world problems.

But sitting in a room with my sister as her boyfriend lovingly tries to massage the pain from her neck makes you realize how often you're the third wheel, even in your own house. I've got to get out. I can't even say "get out more". I don't go out period.

Part of me is cool with that. About 95% of me is cool with that...85%. I don't like people. I don't like the awkwardness of guys looking at you (the majority of which you're not necessarily attracted to in the first place) or small-talking to you. I hate small talk. I hate being stared at. But that 15%, man.

15% of me realizes a lot of the women in my family are single and weird and should have a million cats between them, and I'm always going to be weird, but I don't necessarily want to be single. I also know a lot them were with/are with men that are not good for them, so I also don't want to settle for just any Bojack that comes along.

But 100% of me is a Rom Com romantic. Je suis Amélie. I'm constantly thinking in the back of my head, "Is this the guy? Are we going to make a connection right now?" while the front of my head is saying, "Whoa, calm down. It's the pizza guy. He's probably 18."

I do feel like The Guy is going to emerge from a random connection, though. How else would it happen? And yet, I won't know until I put myself out in the open, to be seen and spoken to. That's usually how it works.

I just need to take a deep breath, brace myself, and make that first step.

Wish me luck.